The Serenity Prayer

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference"

You may or may not be familiar with the "Serenity Prayer", but I have spoken these words many times in the last few years and have come to love and appreciate these simple words written by Reinhold Niebhur.

I've decided to tell my story today in hopes that it may in some way help someone out there who is either suffering from the same "disease" as I was for so long, or for those who in some way have been affected by drugs or alcohol in their family. You may have noticed that I put the word "disease" in quotes.
I found this quote on addiction that puts this horrible disease into better context.
"Addictions are not about will power. The problems facing addicts, alcoholics, and their families are miserable, disgusting, and infuriating. They are often hopelessly discouraging. But to imagine that an addict "could change if he wanted to" is a serious misunderstanding of the long term dynamic of addictive disorder. The fact is precisely that an addict cannot change in the long run even if he wants to! That is the definition of addiction: "the loss of control over the use of a substance." It is important to understand that this loss of control is manifested not in terms of days or weeks, but in longer term behaviors: terms of months and years. "

So here is my story.....Three years ago today, I entered drug rehabilitation for a very serious and extremely ugly 13 year addiction to narcotics and benzodiazepines. I started using when I was 18 and working for a doctor who was pretty much feeding my addiction for me. I did blame him at first, but came to realize that I was the one abusing the drugs and had to take accountability for it! At the time, I thought nothing of it, but every day, it got worse and worse.
At the peak of my addiction, I was taking about 6 different medications and upwards of 50 pills per day. After 13 years of daily drug use, my body had built up massive resistance to all of the drugs! There were several instances that built up to my "rock bottom", I guess you could say. Several black outs, seizures, police involvement and multiple car accidents. Finally, Brady got the courage to tell me that if I didn't get help, he had no other choice than to take the kids and leave. I felt I was "forced" to go into rehab. And figured I would do it just to "get him off my back." One thing you have to realize about addicts is that first of all, all they know how to do is lie and be dishonest about EVERYTHING and also that any problem that arises is some one else's fault....never theirs! But my life had really hit "rock bottom" and I honestly had just come to the conclusion that I was just going to die early..I know, it sounds morbid, but that is exactly how I felt. I was completely hopeless! My sister told me, after I finished rehab, that she had emotionally prepared herself for the "phone call" saying her sister was gone, and that addiction had finally taken my life. I'm so grateful I was able to get help before that actually happened.

My thoughts, honestly, were.."How is 6 weeks of 'counseling' going to cure me of this RAGING addiction that rules every second of my life? " The first day in rehab, I sat in our group circle with a bad attitude and feeling that I was above everyone else there who had a street drug problem or was an alcoholic. That quickly changed. When it came my turn to share, I said, "Hi, my name is Julie, I take a lot of pills, that's why I'm here".. My counselor, Dave, quickly cut me off and said, "Julie, repeat after me,... My name is Julie, and I am an addict!!" I just about dropped on the floor. I didn't even believe it myself. And by the end of the first night there, I realized I was no different than anyone else in there. A drug, is a drug, is a drug!

I wish I could even explain to you what an amazing experience it was to be there for 6 weeks. You learn SOOOO much about yourself and are taught different ways of looking at everything! I really believe that the 12 step program is for EVERYBODY! It helps you really learn more about yourself and be a better person in so many levels! After 6 weeks I was on my way and back into the frightening world of reality. To my surprise, recovering from addiction was hard, but not half as hard as I had imagined. For 13 years, it controlled every second of every day. I woke up first thing in the morning wondering how and where I would get drugs. I had absolutely no time to "enjoy" life. I thought staying clean would be merely impossible! I know that I couldn't have done it without the support of my amazing family! I can't tell you how much it means to have 100% support from your family! It makes all the difference!

There have been people along the way that have passed judgement on me and the decisions that I made for so long, but I have made it a conscious decision to not let them pull me down. The mountain I had to climb to reach 3 years of sobriety has been a very very steep one, but I did it!

Even though this is a pretty long post compared to what I usually do, I feel like I could go on forever! The word "addiction" is a dark and ugly word to most, but to me, I find peace in the fact that I was able to overcome my addiction.. Although, I know full well, that this is not just something you conquer and never have to deal with again, it is a battle I will be fighting every day for the rest of my life!

Going into drug rehabilitation saved my life!! I am so grateful for the counselors there and all of the amazing friends that I made. The saddest part about recovering from addiction is that statistics say that 97% of people who enter rehab for the first time will relapse within the first year. Sadly, that was the case in our group. We had 29 people, and there are just 2 of us that have managed to stay clean and sober for 3 years. My heart and my prayers go out to those who became such good friends of mine in the program! I hope and pray that they will be able to find sobriety again and live the life that I know they all deserve! I love and miss you all!

I love my life now! I can't believe what I missed out on for so long! I am extremely sad that I don't have all of the memories of the past 13 years that I should have, but am so excited that for the last 3 years I have been able to see the world more clearly and enjoy life..."drug free"...every day!

Thanks for letting me share! I needed to do this for me! And also anyone out there that may either be suffering from addiction or know someone who is. So here is my soapbox......

If you know anyone who you think may be suffering from addiction, PLEASE get them help! I truly believe it is all up to the loved ones of the addicts to get them help! An addict will never get it for themselves! Most of the time, they can't even acknowledge they have a problem! But it will save their life! If Brady didn't finally put his foot down and take control of the situation, I would still be out doing what I had done for the past 13 years. Or very possibly would not be here at all!

To my family, I love you so much! Mom and Dad, thanks for praying for me. My mom told me after I had been clean for a year that she had never felt so hopeless as she did during my addiction. She said when there was nothing else they could do, they prayed for me! I know the prayers of my parents and everyone else around me are what have gotten me here today!

Brady, I owe you my life! I know that my addiction affected you the most and I love you so much for sticking with me through even the very worst of times!

If any of you know anyone who is struggling with addiction, here is a link to an addiction help-line!

http://www.addictionsearch.com/treatment/UT/city/salt-lake-city.html


Thanks to all of you for helping make my "new life" a very happy one!